The Edwards Report

Biden Porn To Be Released

2012-01-31T07:00:00.000-08:00

Soon after Democrat strategist and feminist icon Larry Flynt releases his latest porn movie, "Nailin' Palin," which features an adult film actress portraying Gov. Sarah Palin, The Edwards Report is set to release our response: a porn film featuring an actor resembling vice presidential candidate Joe Biden, tentatively titled "Ridin' Biden." It will make history as the first porn where not just the actors but the entire nation gets screwed. The film will also feature Keith Olberman as Random Blonde Slut #3, marking his first foray into heterosexual pornography. Here are some excerpts from the script:

Random Blonde Slut #2: So what position do you want to start with?
Biden: Well, I'd prefer president, but I'll settle for vice president.

Random Blonde Slut #5: Hey, there, fella.
Biden: Hey, there. You're what my friend Barack would describe as a certain three letter word. Sexy. S-E-X-Y.

The porn is not expected to sell well outside of the New York Times newsroom, but if it does, we are set to release a sequel starring a Barack Obama look-alike. It will be titled "If The House Is Baracking, Don't Come A'Knocking." The very idea has given Chris Matthews a thrill, but this time it wasn't up his leg. In the spirit of bipartisanship, it will also feature look-alikes for Republican SEC chairman Chris Cox and Republican Minority Leader John Boehner (pronounced BAY-ner).

Sen. Biden Practices His "O-face."

Keith & Anderson's First Date

2012-01-28T14:07:00.000-08:00

Any resemblance to any actual person is like totally not true, yo.
http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/5935517/

Church of Obama, Denominations

2012-01-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

As Obama has become a symbol for all that is good, it has become important to differentiate between the denominations that constitute the Church of Obama:

*Southern Obamaists: This is the chief fundamentalist sect of Obamaism. Their most important tenets are that every word spoken by Obama is to be taken literally and that there are no contradictions in anything he has ever written. They also believe that the world was created 46 years ago.

*Evangelical Obamaists: This denomination is hard to distinguish from the Southern Obamaists politically, but in appearance its members are less dour, put more focus on spreading the word of Obama, and will often sway to the music at Obama rallies (hips not included). They are often referred to as Born Again Barackites, as they have voted for other candidates from different parties in the past, but have been baptized by re-registering.

*Universalist Unitarian Obamaists: This denomination believes there are other politicians besides Obama, but they enjoy the fellowship of the weekly campaign events. They are the least reliable Obamaists, as they aren't certain if they will vote for Obama, or if he even exists at all.

*Catholic Obamaists: This group is split between those who are going through the motions because they long ago gave up believing in all but the most basic precepts of Obamaism, while the other half of the group is made up of traditionalists and new recruits who tend to be older. Both groups are united in their ignoring of the stricture against using non-union made rubber jackets.

*Pentecostal Obamaists: They believe in demonstrations of faith looked down upon by other denominations. For example, they believe their faith in Obama will allow them to drink non organic green tea and to eat non-local, non-free range chicken without being exposed to any side effects. This denomination includes many congregants who become so excited when they speak about Obama that they often appear to be speaking gibberish (known as speaking in tongues), as well as members who attend Obama rallies and pass out after being filled with Obama (known as slaying in the spirit).

*Abamaists: This is a small group that is made up of arrogant members who mistakenly think they are the smartest people in the world. After Hillary lost the primary, they no longer believe there is a Democrat nominee.

UPDATE II: I failed to mention some denominations. My favorite: the Islamaobamas. As we are repeatedly told, this is the most peaceful sect of the Church of Obama. Occassionally a member will act out of sorts, but this is only a response to racism or poverty or something, never as a result of something said or done by Obama. The most famous adherent would be Ludacris. Feminist Obamaists are considered allies, somehow overlooking the Islamaobamas views on women and gays.

Please mention any denominations I forgot in the comments section.

UPDATE: WELCOME CORNER READERS! NRO ROCKS! You're kinda cute yourself, Mr. Derbyshire. WELCOME HOTAIR READERS!

Man At Bar Ready To Fight For Woman He Just Met

2012-01-14T12:32:00.000-08:00

Local plumber Harold Scrottle announced to patrons of the Beaver Tavern that he would be willing to fight anyone for the love of his life, Delores Regina Raybull, only moments after meeting her for the first time. Scrottle, who had been drinking beer since noon, stumbled outside for a cigarette, nearly running into the 34 year old Ms. Raybull. Immediately smitten, he told her that he was a plumber, and then asked if she knew what they say about those employed in the field of plumbing. When she replied no, he answered, "We like to rock out with our caulk out." While the comment was intended as a way to seduce the much younger, much fitter Raybull, it had the opposite effect, as she quickly inhaled her cigarette in order to avoid any more interaction with Mr. Scrottle. As she tossed her cigarette into the ashtray, she faked a laugh and smile, before saying, "Well, I better get back to my boyfriend. He is a body builder and very jealous and loves to fight." Mr. Scrottle interpreted this as a flirtatious invitation to continue in his attempts to woo her. He is currently recovering at a local hospital.

Mr. Scrottle, moments before the incident with Ms. Raybull's boyfriend.

I Had a One-Night Stand With Gawker

2010-10-28T15:40:00.000-07:00

Today, the gossip website Gawker posted a piece entitled, "I Had a One-Night Stand With Christine O'Donnell." It's with a heavy heart that I feel I must make this post.

I barely knew Gawker when she showed up at my door. I had seen her standing next to an alleyway on my way to work, with a paper cup soliciting money. I could see the desperation in her face. She had clearly failed at everything in life, and was resigned to the fact she was going to have to spend the rest of her days being very poor and knew that no matter how hard she tried she would never accomplish or produce anything of value. I took pity on her, giving her a few dollars to buy food, every now and then, against my better judgment. I knew the more people who came to see her would only be an encouragement to continue to waste her life.
I invited Gawker in to my apartment. I had heard through a mutual friend that she had miraculously found a job but was still living on the streets. It was Halloween night, and I thought Gawker was dressed up as a hipster. I complimented her on her costume, only to awkwardly discover that she was not actually wearing a costume. She told me these clothes were the only thing she could afford because her current job did not pay much. I asked her what she did for a living, and she said, "I basically mock people who are successful or famous or who have made achievements in their lives on a group blog." After she said this, I could see she was ashamed. "That's great. Snark is very popular these days," I said in an effort to make her feel better. It didn't work. She tried to fight back tears. "Yeah, but I do it without being witty, clever, original, funny, or amusing in any way whatsoever. I'm like Maureen Dowd only without the inflated reputation and salary."
I was on my fifteenth beer, and offered Gawker one, although I could tell she had been drinking heavily as well. We sat on the couch and chatted for a few hours and several beers. At some point, Gawker began to awkwardly make passes at me. I tried to ignore them, but no longer could when she stood up and took her jeans and thong off. The aroma of tuna filled my apartment, and it was clear the whole "dealing with feminine odor" trend had passed her by. I was taken aback, not so much now by the smell, but by the sheer size of her labia. "Good gawd, Gawker! There's a surgery for that you know." She almost started crying again, but fought back the tears and bravely said: "Actually, this is the result of surgery. I was born without genitals. I was told of a very inexpensive plastic surgeon in Tijuana who specializes in constructing genitalia for those born without genitals. He was recommended to me by Keith Olbermann. But as I said, he's inexpensive and in Tijuana."
At this point, Gawker broke down. Sobbing, curled up in the fetal position, she managed to say: "I'm a virgin, but not by choice. I'm an embarrassment to my family. My job doesn't actually require me to produce anything. I sit in cramped cubicle, in the dark and without heat, desperately searching other websites for tidbits I can put in a post along with a sentence or two mocking whoever is the subject of the tidbit. I turn my nose up at those who disagree with me while attacking them for being intolerant; I mock those who aren't as hip or as talented as me, but I'm a complete loser who has never had an original thought; nothing I've said could be classified as interesting, only as sad, pathetic, and ironically ironic. Also, I have large labia. I'm just like Maureen Dowd only without the long, long, long list of one night stands."
At this point, Gawker asked if we could see each other again. I told her maybe out of pity, but I knew the answer was no. After this display, I knew it was best if I never saw Gawker again.

The Official Obama State of the Union Drinking Game

2010-01-27T07:43:00.001-08:00

Here is the Official Obama State of the Union Drinking Game by yours truly!

BREAKING NEWS: Obama's Marriage Proposal

2009-05-14T13:53:00.000-07:00

EXCLUSIVE

[MUST CREDIT EDWARDSREPORT]

The Obama campaign is furious that a transcript of Sen. Obama’s marriage proposal to Michelle was leaked to the media. The MSM refuses to publish the information, but because this website never attended Columbia Graduate School of Journalism, we know a good story when we find it!

(Begin)

Barack Obama (not on one knee, but standing, gazing defiantly into the distance): We are the husband we’ve been waiting for. I am more than your suitor, but rather I have become a symbol of the possibilities of marriage. After our first twenty years of marriage, you will look back on this moment as the time that your loneliness began to recede and your heart began to heal. This is the moment that will end divorce and secure marriage. I promise to provide you with care when you are sick and a job if you lose yours. Let there be no new walls to divide us. Now is the moment to say yes. The odds you will say yes are very good so I’ve already told my family and friends we are engaged, as well as scheduled the wedding.

(Barack Obama stops reading from teleprompter, looks down confidently to Michelle.)

(End)

Obama Institutes Sharia Law In White House

2009-02-25T10:01:00.000-08:00

In order to improve America's reputation among terrorists who want to kill us, President Obama has issued an executive order instituting sharia law within the White House. The decision to implement sharia, the Islamic law, was met with cheers from Islamic spokesmen in Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Buttfarkistan, who praised the move by Obama before returning to planning bombings, developing nuclear weapons, and plotting attacks on Americans.

The reaction was varied in the White House, but spokesman Robert Gibbs tried to alleviate any fears. "Take for example Chief of Staff Rahm Emaunel," he said at a press conference this morning. "He's Jewish, so he will feel right at home in a White House that doesn't serve pork. Of course, as a dirty Jew, he will not actually be allowed in the White House anymore. Or to live." Gibbs, who will change his name to Ahmed Ahmed tomorrow, said there was no truth to the rumor that Sharia law was only instituted to force Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi to wear burqas.

Reactions outside the White House were varied. The decision was not popular on Capital Hill, especially when it was learned that Rep. Barney Frank and Sen. Barbara Mikulski would be stoned to death if they set foot in the White House. But the response from the American Civil Liberties Union was supportive. "As long as they don't put up a creche or a copy of the Ten Commandments, we are fine with this decision," said Harold Scrottle, ACLU spokesman. The one exception to Sharia law will be the Oval Office, where President Obama will still be allowed to drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes and snort cocaine.

Unfortunate Facebook Updates

2009-02-23T20:59:00.000-08:00

Harold says look for me tonight on To Catch A Predator.

Vicki is at the Planned Parenthood clinic. Again.

Barack is missing Larry.

Sully is enjoying happy hour at Bareback Willie's.

Sherri hopes her herpes doesn't flare up before her blind date.

Pablo just cut this shit.

Bob says his pet baboon was a bad boy and needs to be punished, so he is spanking his monkey.

Ahmed is, Praise Allah, strapping on the bomb now.

Barack is missing Larry, and waiting on Pablo.

Bob is watching Countdown with Keith Olbermann.

Laura is leaving FB for Myspace.

Chris says I'm sorry, but that Umbrella-ella-ella song drove me nuts.

Barack is missing Larry, and trying to find a straw.

Jenny is Whoa! What a heavy flow!

Cletus is off to the cleaners to pick up his robe for the rally tonight.

Kyle is liking the escort selection tonight on Craigslist.

Toby is really digging midget tranny with goats porn.

Barack is missing Larry, and says this shit was cut.

EXCLUSIVE: Analyst predicts stock winners for economic crisis.

2009-02-20T12:55:00.000-08:00

New York, NY – A source inside CNBC News leaked a private memo on Friday meant for top management at Morgan Stanley. The document outlines segments predicted to grow rapidly as congress moves to nationalize additional private industry.

Here is an excerpt from the list:

1. PAPER: specifically the kind used to print US Currency and notices terminating employment.

2. OPOSSUM SEASONING.

3. RED INK.

4. KIDNEY BROKERAGES.

5. RELIGION.

6. OBAMA LOGO MERCHANDISE: Still hot.

7. STAB INSURANCE.

8. INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY INVOLVING THE NUMBER ZERO.

9. 2-PLY TO 1-PLY TOILET PAPER SEPARATING DEVICES.

10. PUBLISHING RIGHTS TO 'QUOTATIONS FROM CHAIRMAN MAO.'

Miley Cyrus Enters Rehab

2009-02-10T17:44:00.000-08:00

The world community was rocked today when it was announced that tween music and television star Miley Cyrus had entered rehab. The move was a declared a "preemptive strike," as Cyrus has yet to start drinking or doing drugs. But the move was considered necessary to avoid the fate of other young, female stars such as Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and one (or maybe both) of the Olsen twins. Cyrus' father, Billy Ray Cyrus, the first openly gay country music star, was quoted as saying, "We consider this the best path to avoid seeing pictures in the National Enquirer of Miley crashing her car after a night of partying or doing a line of blow off of Charlie Sheen." Cyrus is expected to begin drinking and doing drugs as soon as she is released from rehab.

News In Brief

2009-02-10T14:11:00.000-08:00

News In Brief

*It was announced today that popular singer Fergie will be posing nude for Playgirl magazine, surprising a small portion of the public who thought Fergie was a woman.

*The White House revealed yesterday that actor Christian Bale has been hired as an assistant to White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel.

*The Edwards Report, struggling to make ends meet in the current economic crisis, will begin manufacturing pillows in the shape of Scarlett Johansson's bosom in order to increase revenue and to ensure getting to bed at a decent hour.

Edwardsreport.com Forced To Apologize

2009-02-05T12:59:00.000-08:00

On the heels of the Michael Phelps marijuana scandal, the amateur, right wing, satirical blogging community was rocked Thursday when a photo of the Edwardsreport.com surfaced showing the website engaged in a wild party, possibly destroying the reputation of the wholesome, family friendly blog. In the picture, you can clearly see the blog cavorting with five hookers, three midgets, and a donkey while a kilo of cocaine, a bottle of the horse tranquilizer Ketamine, and a vial of human adrenal gland can be spotted in the background. When contacted for comment, Edwardsreport.com responded by apologizing, claiming it would never happen again, before leaving to pick up Amy Winehouse for a party at Kid Rock's mansion.

Moveon.org cites 3.2 million conservative registrations in two weeks.

2009-02-05T08:06:00.000-08:00

San Francisco, CA – The progressive PAC Moveon.org, which gained notoriety among the unwashed masses for anti-Bush rehtoric since 2000, announced more than 3.2 million new registrations since President Barack Obama's coronation on January 20, 2009.

"Let me be clear," stated a bewildered Jennifer Lindenauer, Moveon.org's Communication Director and vegan hacky-sack enthusiast, "we support this president and his administration. The advocacy requests we're getting from our base reflect a disconnect with our mission and message."

Patricia Stanley, a grandmother of three and part-time concealed carry handgun instructor from Smelterville, Idaho was pleased to count herself among the new 3.2 million Americans wanting to move on from the Obama administration. "I'm thrilled to be a part of an online community which shares my frustration with the failings of this president. I donated yesterday with the request they use the money to make one of [those] Nazi ads about that son-of-a-[President of the United States].

Millions of conservatives like Stanley echoed the sentiment. At an Applebee's in suburban Nebraska a small group of activists gathered to discuss the merits of their newfound platform for political activism. Attending the informal gathering was Robert Whybark who commented, "[moveon.org] is like being a room full of old friends. We all have a common goal of removing this awful president. Some have other goals as well - and because of our political common ground - we're doing our best to educate ourselves on those topics to lend a hand." On the agenda that evening was a presentation on composting post-abortive fetus'.

Executive Director Eli Parister addressed a group of conservatives who had gathered outside moveon.org's headquarters and formed a drum circle outside the existing drum circle which appeared in late 2003. "You all should go. This isn't what you think it is," Parister said but was drowned out by cheers and chants from the crowd of employed, well-groomed people.

"This is ridiculous," Parister later reverberated through the glass chasm of his water bong, "These new guys are vicious, hateful and crazy. You just can't reason with someone like that."

The 3.2 million new members increased advertising revenue at the site enough for the company to purchase new incense holders shaped like Indonesian fertility idols.

Family Guy Runs Out Of Pop Culture References

2009-01-27T12:19:00.000-08:00

In a stunning blow to the popular Fox animated series, creator Seth MacFarlane announced yesterday that Family Guy has run out of pop culture references. "This is unfortunate, but we realized about a year ago we were getting low on original references to '80s movies, recent hit songs, and dead celebrities." The show has been reduced to making references to obscure art films from the 1970s, 17th Century French poets, and up-and-coming Icelandic comedians. In a recent episode, Peter Griffin, after coming down with the flu, remarks, "Well, this isn't as bad as the time Francois de Malharbe and I caught a disease at the siege of La Rochelle."

In order to fill time, Kool-Aid Man will break through a wall yelling, "Oh yeah!," at least three times an episode. In addition, jokes about the Jews and the Holocaust that betray an uncomfortable familiarity with Mein Kampf and the Protocols of the Elders of Zion will increase by 15%. Cutaway gags beginning with "This reminds me of that one time . . ." from the first four seasons will also be recycled more frequently.

Mexicans propose border fence to keep Americans out.

2009-01-18T15:58:00.000-08:00

Mexico City, MX – Mexican lawmakers today proposed a 700 mile border fence to keep Americans from illegally entering the country. Recent economic conditions in the US have sent tens of thousands of Americans over the border seeking employment.

Home Depots in Guadalajara and Tijuana reported shiny, pale objects on the periphery of their parking lots - later determined to be illegal Caucasians looking for work.

Mary Consuela, a futbol mom from a suburb of Cancun was quick to endorse the fence. “They come to work to support their families in America – I understand that,” said Consuela. “But they drive our highways without insurance, sleep 9 people in a studio apartment and are mostly employed under-the-table to avoid taxes. What happens when they need health care or other services? It comes out of my pocket.”

Small protests have popped-up across the country as people waving American flags demanded amnesty. Those without bribe money were taken into the desert and shot by authorities.

A group calling itself “The Conquistadors” has begun patrolling the border area. When asked for comment, a man identifying himself as their leader said something in Spanish.

Legislators representing states adjacent to the US were careful to balance their constituents’ needs with the inevitability of a Caucasian voting presence in the very near future.

“These guys need to follow the process that’s in place for legal immigration,” commented Hector Vasquez who owns a small elementary school and Chicklet distribution franchise in Puerto Vallarta. “We can’t just grant them all citizenship because the problem has become too big. That’s just stupid.”

No Caucasians could be reached for comment because their phones wouldn’t accept incoming calls.

Edwards Report Announces Layoffs, Cutbacks

2008-11-18T14:44:00.000-08:00

In a troubling sign of the current economic downturn, the Edwards Report, the Internet's least popular right wing parody site, announced massive layoffs and cutbacks during a press conference yesterday. Current CEO Scott Edwards said that the thousands of assembly line workers across America who help in the production of the website would be laid off. Fighting back tears, he said the move was an agonizing one, but was necessary in order to fulfill his annual bonus and keep the Edwards Report Mansion, rivaled only by the Playboy Mansion, well stocked with Scotch and young, aspiring actresses. He also announced that the writers for the Edwards Report, about a dozen children in a Vietnam sweat shop, would see their daily one minute cigarette break canceled and their noodle rations cut in half, so the website could afford to pay the severance package to his personal secretary, a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, who mysteriously had to leave her job after only five months.

Obama Image On Mt. Rushmore

2008-11-18T13:57:00.000-08:00

It was announced today that President-elect Barack Obama's image will be sculpted on Mt. Rushmore. The action is historic as Obama is the first black president. It is also historic as Obama has not yet even been sworn in as president. In order to make room for Obama's image, which will be twice as large as the other presidents, Thomas Jefferson and Theodore Roosevelt will be removed. After careful surveying, it was decided that George Washington and Abraham Lincoln would also be removed so as to accommodate Obama's ears.

In other news . . .

*Obama has appointed Joaquín Guzmán Loera as his Drug Czar. Mr. Loera will be making personal, nightly visits to Obama in his private chambers.

*Soon after Obama was elected, it was discovered that dissent is no longer the highest form of patriotism, or at least won't be after noon on January 20, 2009. Please adjust your views accordingly.

McCain: I Voted For Obama

2008-11-18T13:49:00.000-08:00

In an exclusive fake interview with The Edwards Report, Sen. John McCain admitted he voted for his rival, President-elect Barack Obama. "My friends, I've always been a maverick. How can you get more maverick than voting for your opponent?" McCain went on to assail Gov. Sarah Palin as too conservative and inexperienced to be vice president, in what some consider an attempt to win back his media base before running for president again in 2012 at the age of 109. McCain had to leave the interview early in order to mow the lawns of the entire New York Times editorial board.

27% of Obama's Social Spending To Go To His Family

2008-10-30T09:59:00.000-07:00

The Edwards Report has learned that 27% of multi-millionaire presidential candidate Barack Obama's increased social spending for the disadvantaged is expected to go to members of his own extended family. Speaking from his Illinois mansion, Obama said his plan to raise taxes and spread the wealth to those who don't pay taxes is needed to help people like his Aunt Zeituni Onyango who lives in a slum in Boston. He added his health care plan would help his "Uncle Omar," also living in poverty, who was recently beaten by armed robbers. After rolling around in the millions of dollars he made from his two best selling books, Obama suggested his proposed increases in foreign aid would help people like his half-brother George Hussein Obama, who lives in a hut in Kenya on less than $1 a month. Sen. Obama added "If we don't take care of our family members, who will? And by we, I mean the American taxpayer." He ended the interview in order to decide whether to eat free range chicken with organic arugula or Kobe beef with edamame for lunch. Earlier, his brother George had to decide between eating the flies circling him or nothing.

Obama prepares to ask for donations to his presidential campaign while in Kenya.

NYT Plans Obama Victory Party

2008-10-30T09:50:00.000-07:00

New York Times Executive Editor Bill Keller has begun preparations for an election night Obama victory party at the venerated newspaper's headquarters. "It's gonna be, like, a totally awesome night, ya know?" Keller said. Columnist Frank Rich is in charge of procuring music and has already signed up his favorite band, the Pet Shop Boys. Maureen Dowd, as chair of the entertainment committee, has hired the Chippendales dancers. She made her choice after exhaustive research with each member of the dance team in her private office. Master of Ceremonies Bob Herbert will be using the same material he used in 2004 for the Kerry victory party. Debutante David Brooks is expected to make a splash in his new, exclusive Vera Wang gown. He will be escorted by Mr. Kathleen Parker. Bill Kristol's invitation was accidentally shredded. Jayson Blair, in his first visit back to the NYT offices since being fired for plaigirism, will be providing the blow. In the unlikely event of a McCain victory, the NYT has seven reporters covering the prevalence of racism in America. The stories have already been written.

McCain: Text your vote for Obama!

2008-10-29T13:04:00.000-07:00

Cranton, OH - John McCain countered Barack Obama's campaign to "Take the day off and vote," by targeting Obama supporters with "Text OBAMA to [number redacted] to vote for President."

The move targets African-Americans, Under-35 Caucasians, Train Engineers, the stupid, and the easily manipulated - which account for a stunning 87% of Barack Obama's base.

The ad reads, "Don't waste a day off from work this Tuesday - stay home and text OBAMA to [number redacted]."

Calls from the Edwards Report to the number were answered by Cindy Sheehan's voicemail.

Obama campaign officials were outraged by the blatant misdirection, and demanded the ads be pulled. The objections were quieted when the McCain campaign offered them each $20 in ring tone credits from Jamster.

Study: Meth Has Benefits

2008-10-16T13:14:00.000-07:00

In a stunning new study, researchers claim that meth, a highly addictive drug that has ruined countless lives, actually has many benefits. Among the positive effects include the ability to clean your rent-subsidized apartment in record time, weight loss, and the cost savings of never having a reason to visit a dentist. The study was conducted among three groups: truck drivers, heavy metal roadies, and white, 18-27 year old, high school dropouts in Gresham, Oregon. The study was funded by the Arellano Felix organization, a self described outreach group based in Tijuana. They currently have several openings for community organizers.

Kid Rock Launches New Line Of Apparel

2008-10-16T13:09:00.000-07:00

The fashion world was rocked yesterday when rock and rap superstar Kid Rock announced he was starting his own line of apparel to be sold exclusively through Wal-Mart. The rocker is personally designing his own collection of wife beaters, contributing in every phase of production. "From beginning to end, this is a Kid Rock product," he said in between puffs on a Newport cigarette. "I really want a classy wife beater, ya know, something that says I may slap my bitch down but that don't mean I don't know how to properly tip a stripper or dispose of a used joint." Mr. Rock announced that those who buy a twenty pack of his wife beaters will be presented with a miniature replica of an IROC-Z and an autographed, rolled-up one dollar bill.

Bailout seeks rescue.

2008-10-09T08:43:00.000-07:00

Washington DC - Congress announced early Thursday morning that the multiple bailout deals inked over the last month were in trouble, and need to be rescued. Legislators began working on a package to buy-out the bailout shortly thereafter.

Senator Barack Obabma - the more conservative of the two presidential candidates - blasted the deal as reckless. His opponent John McCain quickly suspended his campaign and promised not to return until the US was owned entirely by China.

"In this economy, what we really need are jobs," stuttered McCain through a sheath of strained carrots. McCain's plan calls for 20,000 new jobs operating presses to keep up with the demand to manufacture money.

Axis of Evil Starts PAC

2008-10-06T12:33:00.000-07:00

The Axis of Evil announced this morning that the group will be forming a political action committee (PAC) to help in the election efforts of Sen. Barack Obama. While technically illegal, they have received assurances from the Obama campaign that it will not be an issue. The PAC will include Great Leader Kim Jong-il of North Korea and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran. Saddam Hussein of Iraq was unavailable, so the group held an event called Despot Idol to find a replacement. The first winner was Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe but he was mysteriously poisoned. The eventual victor was Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin. Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez was reportedly very angry when he received his low score on the final round, and was overheard saying, "I knew that Simon was a jackass. He must be working with the neoliberal Bush." When reached for comment, Ahmadinejad said he started the PAC because, "America needs change. And hope. I think Barack Obama is the man for that. He will raise taxes on businesses to ensure taxation fairness and that America is never again the world's economic leader. Oh, and he can recite the Islamic call to prayer in Arabic, which is really just the icing on the cake." He then abruptly hung up the phone because he had to officiate over a stoning of homosexuals who don't exist. Equally excited was Kim, who remarked, "This is like so totally awesome. When Mahmound called me, I was like, I am so in, and he was all like, this is going to be so hot." He then asked to speak to Hannah Montana. At the press conference announcing the addition of the Russian Prime Minister, Putin stated Obama "brings us hope and change. Hope that no one will stand in our way, and change from the current policy of so rudely defending freedom."

EXCLUSIVE: Transcript From Thursday's VP Debate!

2008-09-29T07:56:00.000-07:00

The Edwards Report has obtained an exclusive copy of a transcript from CNN for Thursday night's vice presidential debate. The transcript was hard to obtain, as the debate has yet to happen. In following the very highest in journalistic standards, we now present the transcript to you, the reader:

Sen. Biden: . . . as Lincoln said on the radio after the outbreak of the Revolutionary War, 'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.'

Gov. Palin: Well, it would be the position of a McCain administration that Russia represents a threat to democracy throughout the world, and we must address this issue seriously but without igniting another Cold War.

Sen. Biden: I'd like to respond to that. I would, I mean Sen. Obama would, respond like Gen. Sherman who called in air strikes and, in fact, personally drove the tank that led the charge to sack Constantinople.

Gov. Palin: Um . . . well, Sen. McCain and I believe that we should continue the path to victory in Iraq that was put forth by Gen. Petraeus, and . . .

Sen. Biden: Well, I went to law school, so I know full well that a Biden administration, I mean an Obama/Biden administration, would respond to any terrorist attack like Genghis Khan who flew his magic carpet as he went on to conquer the Aztecs.

Gwen Ifill: Thank you both for joining us. Goodnight.

Campbell Brown: There you have the first and only vice presidential debate, and you have to wonder if the McCain camp purposely set it up for only one debate.

Anderson Cooper: Absolutely. Sen. Biden came into this as an underdog, but came away the clear winner. Throughout the debate he was able to demonstrate his vast foreign policy experience. For some commentary, let's go to James Carville. James?

James Carville: Thanks, Anderson. Clearly little Sarah is in over her head. She made so many gaffes tonight I couldn't add them up.

Brown: We just heard James Carville's view, now for the other side, let's go to Paul Begala. Paul?

Paul Begala: Thanks, Campbell. Clearly little Sarah is in over her head. She made so many gaffes tonight I couldn't add them up.

Brown: After tonight's performance, you have to wonder how long Gov. Palin stays on the McCain ticket. Keep it here on CNN, always no bias, no bull.

http://edwardsreport.blogspot.com/2008/09/exclusive-transcript-from-thursdays-vp.html

Weekend at Larry's

2008-09-25T12:37:00.000-07:00

The Edwards Report has learned through sources at CNN that famed interviewer Larry King actually died three years ago. For the last three years, CNN has propped up King's corpse on the set of Larry King Live, switching out his trademark suspenders each night. A show producer moves King's mouth and body with string like a Marionette puppet, while a voice over announcer mimics his voice. In order to better represent King's style, the voice over announcer does neither research nor preparation for his interviews. The news was a shock to King's wife, who has shared a bed with him over the last three years. "I didn't even notice a difference in him," she was overheard commenting. The stunning news comes as King has fallen in the ratings behind even such obscure networks as CNR,which bills itself as the 24 hour Charles Nelson Reilly network, the Polka! Polka! Polka! channel, and MSNBC, a news network dedicated to serving the needs of the hermaphrodite community. The Edwards Report tried to reach King's CNN colleague Anderson Cooper for comment, but he was busy seeking advice from Campbell Brown on how to better read the news while simultaneously having your lips attached to Sen. Obama's backside.

Edwards Report Seeks Government Bailout

2008-09-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

Press Release
September 25, 2008

In these financially perilous times, The Edwards Report is seeking a government bailout to bring back the website's credit liquidity. A combination of college loan debt, failed investments in Air America, and a bar tab that would make Norm Peterson proud have caused our credit to freeze. The Edwards Report is asking for a bailout in order to avoid catastrophic consequences among the producers of Maker's Mark, Macanudo cigars, beef jerky and Maxim magazine. In fact, the producers of The Edwards Report themselves could face catastrophic consequences if their bookie is not paid off as well. The website is asking that both Sens. Obama and McCain suspend their campaigns until this issue is addressed.

NYT Reveals Fannie Mae Scandal

2008-09-24T09:59:00.000-07:00

In a shocking political twist, the New York Times revealed Wednesday that McCain spokesman Harold Scrottle had walked by the Fannie Mae building in Washington, D.C. several times in the last few years, implicating McCain in the current housing mess. Scrottle did not walk by the building during the tenure of Franklin Raines, insulating the NYT from charges of racism for their exclusive report.
UPDATE: The NYT is now reporting that Scrottle in fact has never been to DC, so he could not have walked by the building. They are standing by their story.

BREAKING: AIKEN GAY!!!!!

2008-09-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

The entertainment world was stunned today when former American Idol singer and current ballerina Clay Aiken revealed he was a homosexual. The revelations sent shockwaves through Los Angeles, New York, and the hearts of overweight, middle aged, lonely women, all of whom were still reeling from the shocking gay admissions from Neil Patrick Harris, Lance Bass, and Rosie O'Donnell. Spokesmen for the Backstreet Boys and Tom Cruise could not be reached for comment.

Dowd Visits Alaska

2008-09-19T09:43:00.000-07:00

Pulitzer Prize winning New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd has ventured to Alaska to better understand the life of vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. "I feel like Jack London," she said from her hotel room as she finished her Kegel excercises. "This place is dreadful. Yesterday, I broke a heel on my Manolo pump and I was horrified to discover there is not a Saks anywhere in Wasilla." Dowd was forced to continue wearing the broken shoe rather than face the horror of shopping at Walmart. She also complained about the lack of good men in the small town, despite her desperate, unending attempts to find one. "What kind of man doesn't wax his legs, or use moisturizer, or read Vanity Fair?" she wondered. Dowd had to end the conversation as she was on her way to the local bar, where she will be shocked to discover they don't carry Belvedere vodka or have a tapas menu. When asked to comment, her fellow NYT colleague Frank Rich could only mumble unintelligibly as he had five Krispy Kremes in his mouth and was dancing in women's underwear to a Carole King album.

Grateful Dead Reunite For Obama

2008-09-18T11:33:00.000-07:00

Breaking News . . .
The Grateful Dead band will reunite to play a concert in support of Barack Obama, as he was frequently driving that train, high on . . .

UPDATE: The concert has been cancelled. After the band came down, they realized Jerry Garcia was dead and no one cares.

New Anti McCain Ad

2008-09-16T08:08:00.000-07:00

On the heels of popular left-wing radio host Randi Rhodes attacking John McCain for lying about his experiences as a POW and an Obama campaign television ad attacking McCain for his inability to use a computer because of injuries sustained as a POW, a new liberal group is continuting the theme. Created in order to aid left wing candidates in tight races, the Democrat Organization United to Contest Heated Elections has released the text for its latest ad. The Edwards Report has obtained an exclusive copy:

John McCain claims to speak for the common man, but how can a man too good
to comb his own hair or too high and mighty to do jumping jacks relate to the
average American? The average American can't afford a 5 1/2 year Asian
vacation. Was it really the Hanoi Hilton, or more like Good Time
Charley's? Would a true American have spent so much time overseas? We're Tony Rezko, Bill Ayers, and Jeremiah Wright, and we approved this message.

Obama To Address Economy

2008-09-16T07:43:00.000-07:00

A Man of the People

In order to better address the concerns of the American people about the state of the economy, Democrat presidential candidate Barack Obama is set to make a major speech on the subject this afternoon. Obama will discuss his plan for helping the average American at a $28,500 per person fundraiser in the economically depressed region of Hollywood. Obama's speech will include attacks on Republican presidential candidate John McCain for being out of touch and a call for a federal investigation into the high price of organic, locally grown arugula at Whole Foods. In a disappointment to supporters, he will not be tackling the difficult issue of the availability of free range chicken or edamame.

Obama staff goes hungry as the Senator votes "present" on lunch preference.

2008-09-15T16:44:00.000-07:00

Grand Junction, CO. - Campaign staffers and volunteers went without their mid-day meal today when Barack Obama answered the question, "Pizza or Chinese?" with "present."

Confused and hungry workers took The One's decision with quiet dignity, which was later drowned-out by the roar of empty stomachs.

"He knows what's best," said Obama's traveling pedicurist, the visibly weakened and slightly dehydrated Justin Edwards (no relation to The Edwards Report).

Two diabetic volunteers were buried before sunset in compliance with Muslim law.

A like question about lunch preference by the McCain camp was answered by Sarah Palin who simply excused herself from the table and returned seven minutes later to drop a freshly dressed caribou carcass on the conference table.

Community News: Oktoberfest Moved

2008-09-12T14:35:00.000-07:00

Mt. Angel, OR - The committe in charge of the world-renowned Mt. Angel Oktoberfest has decided to move their event to May 5th to better serve the growing community. In other unrelated changes, Spaten Optimator beer will be replaced with Corona, lebkuchen with churros, the bratwursts with carne asada, and the traditional German music will be replaced with a norteno band.

News In Brief

2008-09-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

*CLINTON ON PALIN: When asked about how Clinton would be responding to the Palin nomination, Obama staffer Richard Shorter said that Clinton would not be seen anywhere near Palin because "the last thing the campaign needs is a sexual harassment scandal." When asked to clarify, the spokesman admitted he thought the question was about former President Bill Clinton.

*SEXUAL TENSION IN THE WHITE HOUSE?: Recent reports have speculated about possible sexual tension in the White House between the president and the vice president in 2009. Concerns have been raised that this could interfere with the workings of the government. When asked to comment, Sen. Obama said he thought Biden was "a good, experienced leader," but was "not interested in anything more than a working relationship," while Sen. Biden said he and Obama are "partners, but not the gay kind," but did admit to admiring how Obama looks in a suit.

PSYCHIATRIST OVERWHELMED: Area psychiatrist Harold Scrottle is reportedly feeling overwhelmed, working long hours all due to one patient. Scrottle says he is almost to the breaking point, but expects to write a paper for the Journal of Abnormal Behavior about his patient, blogger Andrew Sullivan, if he doesn't suffer a breakdown himself.

(Yes, this post follows the rule of three.)

Cooper to play elf in upcoming Tolkien movie.

2008-09-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

San Francisco, CA – Anderson Cooper, the impish CNN reporter known for his delicate features and severe eyebrow furrow - inked a deal Tuesday evening to play an elf in Guilermo del Toro's upcoming remake of Tolkien's "The Hobbit."

"It was a good fit on many levels," said co-screenwriter Peter Jackson. "Anderson brings a natural ability to represent an androgynous creature who doesn't meaningfully contribute to the overall dialogue. He was born to play this elf."

Lord of the Rings message boards around the globe erupted in discourse within minutes of the announcement. One enthusiastic fan using the name NerfHerder93 posted, "Finally a chance to see Anderson Cooper as God intended: Wearing a loincloth, carrying a bow, and looking delicate but severe."

Not all fans agreed. Womprat121 penned, "Does anyone else think this guy is just too feminine to playe (sic) an elf?"

Phone calls to Anderson Cooper's glass and soapstone sky-condo in the Castro district were not immediately returned.

Del Toro declined to comment on rumors that David Bowie will play the role of Cooper's grandfather.

Obama Picks Obama As VP

2008-09-09T20:08:00.000-07:00

The AP is reporting that Democrat nominee Barack Obama has picked himself to be his vice presidential candidate. Obama was quoted as saying, “When it came to a running mate who would be experienced enough to help me reverse global warming, make the lame walk, heal the sick, cure cancer, and bring peace on earth, I knew there was only one man qualified to do that. Truly, I am the one I have been waiting for.” It has been confirmed that when Obama asked Obama to be his vice president, Obama responded by looking defiantly into the distance before reading the following off of his teleprompter: “I accept. This is the moment that the obesity epidemic began to recede, your acne started to clear up, and Chevy Chase started to be funny again.” Afterwards, Obama and Obama turned a loaf of bread and a few pieces of fish into organic, locally grown arugula, edamame and free range chicken in order to feed the hungry.

Breaking - New Palin Scandal!

2008-09-05T13:56:00.003-07:00

Impacting Hard

The political world was thrown into chaos Tuesday night as a possible devastating scandal involving Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and one of her children emerged. The New York Times is set to report in five front page articles on Wednesday morning that Piper, the Palin's 6-year-old daughter, has been a very naughty girl, raising questions about Gov. Palin's governing abilities. Among other shocking details, the Times is revealing that Piper once stayed up past bedtime and refused to eat her vegetables. Bernice Satanica, the head of Humorless Alliance for Grrls! (HAG), responded to the revelations by asking, "If she can't get her 6-year-old to eat broccoli, can we really trust her to negotiate with Ahmadinejad? What kind of mother has ever had a child that disobeyed them?" Campbell Brown, a CNN anchor who also works as a spokesman for the Obama campaign, asked a McCain staffer about the damaging information during her most recent newscast. "This makes one wonder if Palin was really vetted at all. Why didn't the McCain campaign hire a private investigator to follow Piper around so they could have avoided this embarrassment from the start?" Campbell then went on to say that Gen. Petraeus was in charge of putting kids to bed, not parents, before turning things over to Anderson Cooper, who had just returned from a day of antique shopping and Appletinis with his girlfriend, Anita Beard.

Oprah Cult Not Fully Joining Obama Cult

2008-09-05T13:56:00.001-07:00

Oprah Winfrey, an afternoon talk show host who reached great achievement in a male dominated world and who encourages women to achieve in a male dominated world, is against allowing Gov. Sarah Palin, the first woman to run as vice president on the Republican ticket, on her show. Winfrey's staff is divided by the decision, as is Oprah's cult. Oprah, who tried to transfer her cult to Obama's cult during his battle against another woman seeking achievement in a male dominated world, has been surprised at the angry reaction from disillusioned members of her own cult, who took to heart her words of encouragement for female achievement in a male dominated world. Dr. Phil is expected to intervene if there are any television cameras used to cover the controversy.

DC/NY Axis Outraged

2008-09-05T13:55:00.003-07:00

Senator John McCain's choice of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin to be his running mate has set off alarm bells throughout the Beltway and into the media center of New York City. Washington Lobbyist Bernice Satanica was deeply alarmed about McCain's choice. "Palin's so inexperienced. She's not familiar with Washington's ways. For example, she doesn't know how to hide a lobbyist's gift from public scrutiny. She doesn't know how to work the system to give tax dollars to your undeserving campaign donors. She doesn't know which local park is best to stash the bodies of political associates or former lovers. She'll be a disaster."

In New York City, the reaction was just as swift. "I mean, my god, does she even read Frank Rich every Sunday? Has she ever read Derrida or Foucault? Is America really ready for that kind of president?" asked Paulette Kael, the literary editor of the New York Review of Books. "Look at her. Her husband's a union member who works with his hands, her son is in the military, she had to work for everything she has, she engages in hunting and fishing, and, my god, she has five kids, none of which are adopted from exotic countries. This will seem so alien to voters. I'm not sure how America will be able to relate to her."

Not all of the consternation came from left of the political spectrum. Regal Puddington III is the editor in chief of The Weekly Review, an obscure conservative literary journal. As he lit his pipe and adjusted his bow tie, he asked: "Does she even know her Burke from her Locke? Her Mises from her Hayek?" Puddington, who has been to London, Paris, and other cosmopolitan cities around the world, but has yet to visit anywhere in America besides New York City, his ski chalet in Boulder, and his summer home in Martha's Vineyard, considers himself an expert in Alaskan politics as he once read a Jack London novel in middle school. "I'm not sure America will be comfortable with a vice president who didn't attend Dartmouth or Yale."

Left Admits: We Were Kidding About Free Speech

2008-09-05T13:55:00.001-07:00

After several recent incidents involving leftists seeking to intimidate or squelch speech, including physically intimidating blogger Michelle Malkin and Fox News reporter Griff Jenkins and seeking to shut down anti-Obama television advertising, the Left has officially admitted that they really don't believe in free speech. Official Left spokeswomyn Harold Scrottle, a transsexual, said "We routinely claim free speech as one of our guiding principles, but we can longer say that with a straight face. Look at our embrace of bringing back the Fairness Doctrine to squelch conservative talk radio. We on the Left like to think of 'free speech' as government sponsored art that involves a crucifix in urine or elephant dung on the Virgin Mary, not anyone advocating an opinion we find offensive, such as cutting taxes." Scrottle, who will be using the same surgeon Keith Olbermann used for his sex reassignment surgery , went on to mention college speech codes, hate crimes laws, and campaign finance reform as other examples of the Left's lack of free speech credentials. "It was hard to believe that after we took those stands that anyone actually took us serious as free speech supporters." He went on to laugh about how the Left "will try to stifle conservatives they ridiculously label as Nazis such as Rush Limbaugh, but will defend the right of free speech of actual Nazis." After the Left failed to defend the right of journalists to print the Muhammad cartoons, many on the Left wondered how long the charade of supporting free speech would be able to continue. Scrottle says the decision to admit the truth was difficult, but necessary, before adding, "If you actually print this article, we will accuse you of being a fascist and against free speech."

Obama/Biden Ticket Worries Environmentalists

2008-09-05T13:53:00.001-07:00

Fear spread throughout the environmentalist community early Saturday morning as the news that Barack Obama had chosen Sen. Joe Biden as his vice presidential candidate. National environmentalist groups are worried that the Obama/Biden ticket would vastly increase the dangers and imminence of global warming, as a result of the combination of hot air released from both candidates. "This will lead to more hurricanes, an increase in the death of polar bears, and the end of Antarctica as we know it," claimed activist Harold Scrottle, the head of the Faction for Alleviating Global Warming. Although the similarities between the two makes them almost indistinguishable, Scrottle went on to say that the Democratic ticket is more of a danger to the environment than cow flatulence. Environmentalist Al Gore was unavailable for comment as he was aboard his private plane.

Undecided Voter Shaken By DNC Convention

2008-09-05T13:52:00.001-07:00

Local undecided voter Dick Johnson was deeply shaken after watching this week's Democrat Convention. "I watched all evening, all week, and it really opened up my eyes. I go to work every day and take care of my family, so I'm really busy, but I had no idea that America was in such bad shape. I didn't realize that half the country lived under their local bridge, or that only Halliburton executives were allowed decent health care," said Johnson. He went on to wonder how the Republicans could have nominated Sen. John McCain as their presidential nominee. "At first I thought he was an American hero," Johnson explained, "but after watching the DNC convention I discovered that he hates those who serve in the military, wants to take away school lunches from poor children, and likes to snap the heads off of kittens." Johnson now leans toward Obama.

D's Worried Over Republican Smears, Dirty Tricks, Spin

2008-09-05T13:51:00.002-07:00

The Obama campaign headquarters buzzed with energy yesterday afternoon, but there was a sense of foreboding among staffers. "We are just waiting for the Rove/Bush spin machine to kick into high gear and turn Obama into somebody we wouldn't recognize," said campaign strategist Harold Scrottle, taking a break from planning a campaign ad aimed at convincing voters that John McCain, a former POW, doesn't support America's veterans. "But what keeps us up at night is the anticipation of the dirty smears, the swift-boating, that will be attempted against Obama," worried Scrottle, who paused briefly to read an email from a 527 group asking for input on an internet effort to spread the idea that McCain has become senile. "We are planning to face a barrage of lies about Obama's past statements. They will lie and twist everything Barack has said," lamented Scrottle, before posting a blog entry on Obama's website accusing McCain of advocating more American casualties by wanting troops to stay in Iraq forever. "We will have a hard time fighting back against the Republican echo chamber of Fox News, the Wall Street Journal, and Rush Limbaugh," Scrottle fretted before heading out the door for interviews with ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, MSNBC, CNN, NPR, The New York Times, The Washington Post, and USA Today.

Survey: Smoking Still Cool

2008-09-05T13:51:00.001-07:00

Despite an enormous anti-smoking campaign involving hundreds of millions of dollars, a recent survey of 15-30 year olds found that smoking is still cool. In fact, data from the survey shows that the coolness of smoking increases as the government spends more money and imposes more regulations against smoking. In related news, a just released scientific study has found that the anti-smoking campaign focusing on the addictive properties of tobacco did not decrease the number of new smokers, but did discourage current smokers from trying to quit.

Gore: Recent Hot Weather Result Of Global Warming

2008-09-05T13:50:00.003-07:00

Former Vice President Albert Gore claimed yesterday that the recent spate of hot weather was a result of global warming. "All across America, we have seen temperatures rise in the last few months," he said. "Anyone who denies this is global warming is obviously akin to Charles Manson, Adolph Hitler, or, even worse, Rush Limbaugh." There was no reaction from anyone in the entire country, as they were all enjoying the summer weather. In other weather news, Sen. Obama has recommended using diplomacy to stop Fay from becoming a hurricane. If that doesn't work, he will simply hold out his hand in a stop gesture, which is expected to cause the potential hurricane to dissipate immediately.

Arianna Admits: HuffPo Actually A Parody

2008-09-05T13:50:00.001-07:00

The blogging world was rocked yesterday when Huffington Post diva Arianna Huffington admitted that the entire website was, in fact, a parody. "It's all a joke," said Arianna. "From the vapid blog posts by smarmy d-list celebrities to the paranoid conspiratorial rantings of left wing hacks to the pretentious, overwrought prose of alleged writers, I can't believe no one caught on that the website was an effort to expose the intellectual deficiencies of liberalism. Yes, it's true. I'm still a conservative, and the whole website was an effort to discredit the Left." Arianna went on to say that not only was she not really a leftist, but she wasn't Greek either. "When Michael first met me, I was actually a Bangkok prostitute living on the streets." Arianna was quick to add, though, that her ex-husband, Michael, really is a homosexual.

Political Consultant Actually Unemployed

2008-09-05T13:49:00.001-07:00

Local resident Harold Scrottle, who calls himself a "political consultant," is actually unemployed. Scrottle introduces himself as a political consultant when he attends political events and emails local politicians, despite having never been hired in that capacity, although he did run a local political auxiliary for three weeks before it collapsed. He now refers to himself as chairman emeritus. He has no real experience running campaigns, has only dreamt of running for office, and has an associate degree in hotel management, but still likes to portray himself as a political insider with something to offer candidates. Despite years of networking political events, Scrottle has yet to be offered a job, even as a volunteer. Scrottle once ran into Washington Post columnist George Will at the grocery store and introduced himself as a fellow pundit, as he once had a letter published in his local newspaper.

Daily Show Writer Regrets Obama Joke

2008-09-05T13:48:00.001-07:00

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart head writer Harold Scrottle laments the joke he wrote for last night's show that gently poked fun at Democrat nominee Barack Obama. During the show opening, Stewart lightly made fun of Obama's new embrace of an energy policy compromise. Scrottle immediately regretted coming up with the joke, fearing it could lead to an Obama loss in November. He still blames himself for John Kerry's loss in 2004, after Jay Leno used some of his jokes that mildly teased the Massachusetts senator about his hair.

Media Outraged Over Obama Accusations By Obama

2008-09-05T13:46:00.002-07:00

A media firestorm erupted Wednesday night as allegations involving drug use and religion swirled around Democrat nominee Barack Obama. The furor started when Obama claimed that Obama had smoked marijuana and used cocaine when he was younger. Obama then went on to accuse Obama of having a Muslim stepfather and of having grown up in Indonesia, a majority Islamic country. "In a scurrilous new attack, Sen. Obama is the victim of discredited allegations," Campbell Brown said as she opened CNN's Election Center. The New York Times is expected to editorialize tomorrow morning that "these allegations have repeatedly been proven false and are just dirty politics." (The editorial is expected only because it hasn't been published yet, but was already released as a statement from the Democrat National Committee.) As a result of these allegations against Obama by Obama, Keith Olbermann is expected to name Obama the Worst Person In The World tonight, but only if he can find his last pair of adult Depends.

Other media notes . . . In unrelated news, CNN producer Harold Scrottle inadvertently forgot to add a conservative guest to the four person political panel on tonight's Larry King Live . . . A recent survey found that 80% of the network evening news, 65% of the Newshour with Jim Lehrer, and 78% of all NPR programming is actually plagiarized from that morning's New York Times.

Foreign Student Turns Down Party Invite

2008-09-05T13:46:00.001-07:00

Kokku Seikou, a University of California student, turned down an invitation to a rocking kegger this weekend in order to stay in his dorm room studying into the late hours. Seikou, who studied twenty hours a day in his native Japan in order to get a scholarship to an American university, declined the chance to take jello shots with sorority sisters in order to cram for his organic chemistry final, scheduled in two months. In between doing a beer bong and a marijuana bong, his roommate Jeff Johnson said Seikou was "a cool dude," but "really weird, man. He stays home every night studying. I mean, he actually gets up before noon and goes to class." Seikou was not available for comment because he was preparing applications for medical school.

Area Liberal Scoffs At Ignorance Of Others

2008-09-05T13:45:00.000-07:00

Portland, OR - Local resident Harold Scrottle frequently finds himself scoffing at the ignorance of those around him. "It's amazing," he said, as he sat at an outside table at The Hammer & Sickle, a self-styled progressive cafe in the northeast section of town. "Just listen to the nonsense coming out of people's mouths. It's clear they only listen to Rush Limbaugh or watch Faux, I mean Fox, News," he continued, laughing uproariously at his wordplay. As he sipped a cup of organic, fair trade coffee that he had sweetened with organic turbinado sugar before adding soy milk, he expressed his frustration with this segment of society. "I know these people are ignorant. I watch and listen to a wide variety of programming to have a global perspective," Scrottle stated, before naming his news sources as Amy Goodman, Al Jazeera, Jon Stewart, and Keith Olbermann. Scrottle lit an American Spirit cigarette, then continued: "I mean, Limbaugh and Faux, I mean Fox, News just endlessly repeat stories that Sen. Obama is a secret Muslim and an atheist homosexual. That is a fact." When asked if he had heard or seen this himself, he admitted to having never heard Limbaugh or seen Fox News, but had read all about the media outlets on either the Democrat Underground or Daily Kos website. "When I hear these right wing, mind-numbed robots repeat their talking points on the so-called 'War on Terror,' I cringe at their ignorance. But they don't have the academic background I do," said Scrottle, who once took a class on the Middle East while earning his associate degree in conflict resolution from the local community college. He adjusted his beret, wiped the Che chili off of his beard, and headed for his bicycle, resigned to the ignorance he was sure to encounter on his way back to the studio apartment he shares with four roommates.

Putin Announces New Policies, Mustache

2008-09-05T13:44:00.002-07:00

In news unrelated to the Russian attack on Georgia, Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has announced several new policies he will pursue. Among other plans, Putin is enacting his economic policy known as the Five-Year Plan, as well as pushing collective farming. Opponents of the plan will be allowed to take part in a exciting new venture known as the Great Purge. Putin also announced he will be growing a large mustache and invading Poland in conjunction with German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Hilton Accuses McCain of Plagiarism

2008-09-05T13:44:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, famed socialite Paris Hilton rocked the political world with allegations of plagiarism against presumed Republican nominee John McCain. Ms. Hilton claimed that McCain appropriated his energy policy from her without acknowledging authorship. She said that "Drill Here, Drill Now" had been her dating policy since she was 15, and requested McCain either giver her credit or change his policy.

Stories Of Addiction: Pundits Edition, Part I

2008-09-05T13:42:00.000-07:00

If you watch your local news, you are familiar with the METH EPIDEMIC sweeping the country. But there are other addictions affecting our fellow Americans, specifically in the pundit community. Here are their stories. Some have recovered, some are still battling, and some have just given up. In order to protect the identities of these important thinkers, their full names will not be used.

Arianna H.: She is still currently battling a vicious addiction to A, which is the common street slang for the drug black tar attention. She will do anything it takes to get A, including lying, pretending to believe what she does not, and marrying homosexuals. Her desire for A is often fulfilled by hanging out with such current major Hollywood celebrities as Warren Beatty and Ed Begley, Jr. She can often be seen on the Internet's street corners, offering her services in exchange for A.

Markos M: He was addicted to insaine, a white, powdery drug that is snorted, and is very popular among left-wing bloggers. His addiction caused brain injuries, leading him to make vast political statements without the slightest grounding in any understanding of political philosophy. While over his insaine addiction, he is still hooked on meth.

David B: He was addicted to making conservatism palatable to a crowd that still buys into Leonard Cohen's famous comment that conservatism is just "irritable mental gestures ." In order to work through his addiction, he gave up conservatism rather than his desire to be acceptable to the Upper West Side.

Maureen D.: She was addicted to sex so much that she is often mistakenly thought to be the inspiration for all four characters on Sex and the City. She worked through her addiction by making snarky insults and pop culture references about politicians, especially about her fellow sex addict Bill C. She has since become a lesbian.

Keith O.: Keith refuses to take his medication and any attempt to help cure his addiction to anonymous sex in rest area men's toliet stalls is considered hopeless.

McCain's Secret Strategy

2008-09-05T13:41:00.002-07:00

The Left has been fretting for sometime about a possible "swift-boating" of Sen. Obama, as well as constantly complaining about rumor-based whispering campaigns. They have every reason to worry. I have discovered Sen. McCain's secret dirty campaigning tactic: his associates are going to start a rumor that Sen. Obama is black. This is expected to ruin Obama's chance to be president, knocking him out of front-runner status since America is such a racist country. The Clinton campaign had planned to start the rumor to destroy Obama's campaign during the Democrat primary but backed away at the last minute, as Bill was worried about a threat from Rev. Jackson. It is feared among the Obama camp that if some Americans begin to believe that Obama is black, his poll numbers will plummet because America is such a racist country. His campaign believes that if this rumor had become ingrained in the psyches of voters earlier, Obama would have never gotten this far because, as we all know, America is a racist country.

Top 7 Reasons Obama Is A Celebrity

2008-09-05T13:41:00.001-07:00

The controversy continues to boil around the McCain ad that labels Sen. Obama a celebrity with pictures of Britney and Paris in the background. Here are my top reasons Barack is a celebrity:

1) His students labeled themselves his "groupies."

2) He draws enormous crowds of obsessive, lonely, creepy fans.

3) On his way to a nightclub, he was once caught by the paparazzi getting out of his limo in a miniskirt sans panties.

4) He is eloquent onscreen, but is not quite as articulate without a script.

5) He preaches sacrifices for the environment while being whisked around in SUVs and private planes.

6) Page Six once claimed he was canoodling (in this case, the word means emailing) with Scarlett Johansson.

7) Did blow.

And Now An Important Message

2008-09-05T13:39:00.000-07:00

Monday, Sen. John McCain, after having a spot on his face removed, said “… I want to again urge all Americans to wear sunscreen, particularly this summer, stay out of the sun as much as possible, wear sunscreen …” Late this week he is expected to remind every American of the importance of flossing every day. Earlier today Sen. Barack Obama admonished Americans to keep their tires properly inflated. In August, he will instruct all of us that not washing behind our ears is unsanitary and disappointing to all of our moms. After the conventions, both candidates are expected to unite together to educate Americans on the importance of breathing.

Review: Duffy's Rockferry

2008-09-01T12:59:00.000-07:00

Peruse Billboard’s Top 40, and you will be struck at the dominance of rap, hip hop, and songs with an urban rhythm, completing a trend begun in the ’90s. That decade saw the end of the pop rock dominance, and pop music has been moribund since, despite the efforts of artists such as Amy Winehouse. Duffy has managed to do what has become impossible in the zeitgeist: An entire pop album without one hip-hop beat. An oddly attractive musical newcomer who hails from Wales, Duffy’s Rockferry is an interesting mix of up beat and slower tempo pop music borrowing much from the styles of ‘60s chanteuses while still being in touch with current tastes. The title track is an eerie journey, and evokes a slightly disturbing feeling, like the theme song from Twin Peaks. The first single is Mercy, which is a fantastic song, but is unfortunately the only song on the album that up tempo. There are only a few songs toward the end of album that really fail to capture the originality and familiarity that is heard throughout the others. Rockferry has managed to respect the past of pop music, while showing the way for the future of the genre, if it is to have one.

For Duffy’s latest music video, click here.

Review: The Bodacious Ting Tings

2008-09-01T12:57:00.000-07:00

Music Review: The Ting Tings' We Started Nothing
Will the Brits save pop music? It appears we have another musical British invasion: Amy Winehouse, Duffy, and now the Ting-Tings. From across the Atlantic, we have been shown the way to reinvigorate and reinvent the morose pop music scene, making this genre fun again. The Ting Tings music is nothing more than fun, uncomplicated pop music. In other words, the Ting Tings’ music is like Courtney Love’s crotch: it is both easily accessible and highly infectious. The Ting Tings’ debut album is called We Started Nothing, and their style can best be described as alternative, indie, British pop. They made their foray into the American scene when their song, “Shut Up and Let Me Go”, was used in an Ipod commercial, thus ruining any cred they may have had with music “purists,” i.e. those who think authentic music can only come from those who are unsuccessful, otherwise the artist is a corporate tool or a sell-out. Listening to the entire album in one sitting can start to be monotonous, but for cruising on a summer day with the windows down, or a late Saturday night at the club, the music is ideal. Don’t be surprised if some of what you hear brings to mind everything from Nena to Republica.

For the music video to Shut Up and Let Me Go, click here. (Oh, dude! You were just Stop-Drop-And-Roll-ed! Click here for the real video.)

Here is the video for Great DJ. (Oh, man! You were just Mick-Rolled. Here is the real video.)

Here is the music video for That’s Not My Name. (Oh, chief! You were just Dick-Rolled! Here is the real video.)

The Future Of The Republican Party Is, Well . . . HOT

2008-09-01T12:33:00.000-07:00

There has been some chatter about Sen. McCain’s Veep being corruption busting conservative Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. I’m on board, but as the country is not ready for a president who smokes, is it ready for a vice president who is smoking?

And the WSJ’s Potomac Watch columnist Kimberley Strassel has brought my attention to another Republican reformer with a bright future, Missouri State Treasurer Sarah Steelman. Ms. Steelman is running in the Republican primary for governor against the corrupt GOP machine in Missouri.

The cherry on top being the lovely and former beauty pageant winner Cindy McCain as First Lady.

Don’t worry, Dems! You will always have Maryland Sen. Barbara Mikulski!

(Or is that the funny voiced lady from the Poltergeist movies?)

We are the husband we've been waiting for

2008-08-05T19:27:00.001-07:00

Barack Obama (not on one knee, but standing, gazing defiantly into the distance): We are the husband we’ve been waiting for. I am . . . read more at http://www.edwardsreport.com

Also: McCain's anti-tax "racism!"

And: I review the Ting Ting's smash album. A taste: "In other words, the Ting Tings’ music is like Courtney Love’s crotch: it is both easily accessible and highly infectious."
http://www.edwardsreport.com

2008-08-02T19:13:00.001-07:00

Major anonymous pundits discuss their addictions . . . the secret whisper campaign McCain is starting . . . all with tongue firmly in cheek . . . now playing at http://www.edwardsreport.com!

2008-07-31T10:54:00.000-07:00

See the post on the denominations of the Obama Church at http://www.edwardsreport.com! Everyone's doing it!

2008-07-26T19:06:00.000-07:00

Bicycle terrorists . . . Food fascists . . . Need drugs or a hooker? Coming soon to Oak Grove . . . Mocking addiction . . . all now playing at http://www.edwardsreport.com!

2008-07-24T21:10:00.000-07:00

I APOLOGIZE, HERR OBAMA, SEN. BEDWARDS & MORE
NOW SHOWING AT HTTP://WWW.EDWARDSREPORT.COM

2008-07-22T22:26:00.000-07:00

My take on Obama (pronounced jee-zuh s) and my McCain Manifesto: How He Can Win (If He Actually Wants To). All this and my newly updated "biography," now featured at http://www.edwardsreport.com!
Also check out my comments on Miley Cyrus, which has totally like become one of my most like popular posts like ever! Join the Miley High Club at http://edwardsreport.wordpress.com/2008/07/21/miley-high-club!

http://www.edwardsreport.com

2008-07-20T20:01:00.000-07:00

Is road rage against bicyclists appropriate? Can Duffy save pop music? Can you eat fried Rice on the Atkins diet? Check out the latest posts at The Edwards Report!

2008-07-15T20:20:00.000-07:00

The Edwards Report has moved! Click here.

Holy Brit!

2008-07-15T18:59:00.001-07:00

The Washington Post is reporting that Fox News Washington Managing Editor Brit Hume is retiring, or at least semi-retiring. He will stepping down from "Special Report," but is "near a deal to continue with Fox in a senior-statesman role, not unlike that of NBC's Tom Brokaw, for roughly 100 days a year. Hume would be a senior political analyst, anchor for special events,
panelist on "Fox News Sunday" and occasional substitute for the host, Chris Wallace." Media analyst Howard Kurtz, a CNN host when he isn't writing for the WaPo, gets in a dig at Hume, who he says was "a former ABC White House correspondent who has never hidden his conservative views . . ." Yes, Hume is famously conservative, but probably only famously because that is so rare among the media. Hume was actually also famously known for being the fairest of D.C. reporters, even in the Clinton White House. "Special Report" is one of the best, if not the best, news and analysis programs on television, with most of that credit going to Hume himself. Fox News will have a difficult time replacing him.

When He's Done With You, You Will Feel A Little Soros

2008-07-15T18:49:00.001-07:00

A Reuters dispatch
reports "Billionaire investor George Soros said on Monday that the
crisis over Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac will not be the last . . . " Is
that a prediction or a threat?

Drop Dead Freddie

2008-07-14T19:47:00.001-07:00

Leave it to the op-ed pages of the WSJ to bring some clarity, common sense, and perspective to the Fannie/Freddie fallout. As I noted earlier, they have been in the fore front of advocating reform of these two private/government institutions. (The official term is government sponsored enterprises, or GSEs.) The cost of a collapse of either or both would lead to a world wide financial catastrophe, so one could assume our government will step in to make sure that does not happen. The big mistake, though, as pointed out by the AEI's Peter J. Wallison in the WSJ, is if we do avoid economic devastation but then return to the same actions that got us here in the first place.

We Are Still At War

2008-07-14T19:13:00.001-07:00

The lack of coverage of the Iraq war should be your first clue that the "surge" has been quite successful at quelling the violence there. Taking the place of its articles is coverage of the devolving state of the war in Afghanistan. The Bush administration is pushing harder for more involvement by Pakistan, but the new government is too busy making peace deals with terrorists and pulling troops out of the dangerous frontier areas of the country. The "militants" (MSM term for terrorists) are using these areas to base their operations, which consist of setting up a Taliban-lead "government" in the until now ungoverned lands and making cross-border attacks on Afghan soil. With the decline of violence in Iraq and the increase in Afghanistan, the later is now more deadly than the former. A sad demonstration of this occurred on Sunday, when nine U.S. soldiers were killed in an attack, the worst in that war so far. A sad reminder that we are still at war, even if some of us forget that some times.

Drill Bit

2008-07-14T18:56:00.001-07:00

According to www.nytimes.com, "President Bush lifted a presidential moratorium on drilling for oil and
natural gas on the Outer Continental Shelf on Monday..." Finally! In an abysmal election year to be a Republican, the GOP has been given an issue that could save them from utter humiliation in November, and yet they can't find their voice and their actions so far have been tepid. They must push hard, forcing votes and holding up bills in Congress, and continually press the following talking points about drilling for oil in ANWAR and off the Outer Continental Shelf (three to 200 miles off the coast): 1) We would not be sending the money to unfriendly countries; 2) It would create many, many jobs for Americans; 3) It would bring in revenue for struggling states; and, most importantly, 4) It will immediately lower gas prices.
It should be noted that President Bush's move is symbolic. Not only was their a presidential executive order, there is still in place a Congressionally enacted moratorium. The time to push this against the D's, held hostage to the environmental extremists who provide so much to the party, was months ago, but there is still time. The Left's arguments against drilling for domestic oil are vapid and clearly designed to cover over the fact that they have desired these high prices for gasoline for years. (They're only upset now because the government isn't getting the revenue from the gasoline increase.)

Wham Bam Thank You Gramm

2008-07-13T21:03:00.001-07:00

I want to take a few minutes to defend the man who should be president:
former Sen. Phil Gramm. The economics PhD. has come under assault in
the last few days for claiming we are only in a "mental recession" and
that we have become a "nation of whiners." In a society that claims to
want "straight talk" and holds spin and pandering by politicians in
disrepute, this should have been received as refreshing. Instead, this
has become an overblown media story that is just another excuse to
attack Republicans as uncaring.
Q: How do the media know we are in a recession?
A: We have a Republican president and it's an election year.
Despite
not meeting the textbook definition of a recession, this downturn is
still portrayed as such, if not as a depression. People, please, get a
grip. Growth is anemic, but not negative. Unemployment is only 5.5%,
historically low and close to the old definition of full employment (5%
unemployment). There are some troubling aspects to the economy, but our
pain threshold as nation is
very small. Stocks are down, gas is expensive, some prices are going
up, but America as we know it is not coming to an end. We've
experienced worse, and in recent history. This, well, mental recession
is another example of our country's historical illiteracy and short
memory.
But are we a
nation of whiners? This statement was criticized as if Sen. Gramm was
referring to, say, a recently unemployed factory worker who is facing
foreclosure and a future with neither health care nor retirement. Uh,
no. I'm too lazy to look for links, but two examples of what he was
referring to come immediately to mind. Both were published in articles
in either the NYT or WSJ. In the first, a woman complained that that
economic downward had caused her to have to eat at Applebees instead of fancier restaurants, and to shop at Target
instead of more upscale clothiers. The other involved a man kvetching
that the decline in the stock market had caused him to delay his
retirement by a few years. He was a health 57. Wah. Sen. Gramm was
right.

Template Spinning

2008-07-13T17:35:00.001-07:00

We all know the template constantly repeated by the media, Dem pols, and academia: Bush is a unilateralist, engaged in cowboy diplomacy, and only our Lord and Savior Barack Obama can save and repair our relationships with other countries. It's a great talking point that has, because of endless repetition, become accepted as fact despite evidence to the contrary. For example, see the Bush administration's multilateral approach to North Korea, which is criticized by the Left for being, well, multilateral. Or, the most recent example, the Democrats' disturbing oppostition to the free trade agreement with Columbia. All their arguments in opposition, all echoed and embraced by the Transcedent One who will save our tattered reputations with foreign nations, are absurd, if ever articulated at all. But don't take my word for it. Coming in for treatment usually reserved for conservatives, NYT reporter Steven Weisman writes:

If approved by Congress, it would open a new market for American
produce and manufactured goods. Unlike other trade deals, it would not
threaten American jobs, because imports from Colombia are already
coming in nearly duty-free.

And it would have the added benefit of shoring up a respected ally, President Álvaro Uribe,
who has made progress in taming the narcotics traffickers, right-wing
death squads and left-wing guerrillas that had almost made Colombia a
failed state.

In recent months, nearly 100 newspapers in the United States have
endorsed the Colombia trade agreement. So have many top Democrats,
including Mayor Richard M. Daley
of Chicago. And Mr. Uribe, who was already popular in Congress, was
widely lionized after the dramatic rescue of hostages in Colombia on
July 2.

To reiterate: Columbian goods coming to America are already basically tariff free. This deal would help America exports to Columbia enjoy the same privelege. It would reward our most important ally in South America where Chavez, Morales, et al. are pushing an anti-U.S. agenda.
The opposition basically boils down to a complaint about anti-labor violence in Columbia. President Uribe has actually fought to radically decrease this violence, and been very successful. But facts don't matter when you can just repeat that President Bush is a unilateralist who doesn't respect our allies. That doesn't require any critical thinking at all.

Somebody Tell This To The Leftists

2008-07-13T17:14:00.001-07:00

Interesting story on a famous Iranian dissident in the Sunday NYT. If you have several minutes, I would take the time to read about his journey from freedom fighter, to torture by the lunatics running Iran, to, finally, freedom in the United States. I think this is probably the first time this sentiment has been expressed in the NYT:

When his flight from Vienna landed at Dulles Airport in Virginia in
late June, Mr. Batebi was astonished to see that the airport worker
waving the jet into the gate was a Muslim woman wearing a tight head
scarf.

Mr. Batebi was enthralled, sensing a casual tolerance that
was exactly what he had longed for in his own country. “It seems to me
that people here are free to live their lives, as long as they do no
harm to anyone else,” he said.

Free(die) Market Economics

2008-07-13T16:54:00.001-07:00

Rarely noted in the current panic over Fannie and Freddie is the role that free market think tanks, conservative editorialists, and Republican politicians played in trying to raise awareness (yes, I'm using the phrase sarcastically) about the dangers and need for reform at the two institutions. From former GOP representative Jim Leach to the WSJ editorial page to the CATO institute, the efforts to expose the corruption and liabilities in Fannie and Freddie were made by the Right. How does the NYT report this? Oh, not by ignoring it, but by reporting it this way:

From 1990 to 2000, as each company’s stock grew more than 500 percent
and top executives earned tens of millions of dollars, much criticism
appeared on opinion pages of newspapers, in reports by free-market
research groups and in Congressional testimony. Much of it was
sponsored by a loose coalition of Washington lobbyists and consultants
who were paid to portray Fannie and Freddie as too big and risky.
(Emphasis added.)

Kiss My Fannie, Mac

2008-07-13T16:37:00.001-07:00

To understand how incestuous and corrupt our capital has become, one must read this morning's article in the NYT on Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Here are some key (and disgusting) elements:

In Washington, Fannie and Freddie’s sprawling lobbying machine hired
family and friends of politicians in their efforts to quickly sideline
any regulations that might slow their growth or invite greater
oversight of their business practices.

Fannie and Freddie were careful to include powerful Democrats and
Republicans as executives, board members and lobbyists to make sure
they had access to top government officials and clout on Capitol Hill,
no matter which party was in power.

Fannie also opened up what it called Partnership Offices. They were
billed as regional oversight offices for various housing projects
financed by Fannie. In reality, critics, including the Department of Housing and Urban Development,
said they were used primarily to influence Congress by providing local
politicians and business leaders with ample ribbon-cutting ceremonies
and photo opportunities.

The offices were often run by and
populated with former Congressional staff members. Several of those
offices were staffed by family members of legislators, said Joshua
Rosner, an analyst at Graham-Fisher in New York.

At Least It's Not Franky D

2008-07-13T16:29:00.001-07:00

In today's NYT, there is a look into Sen. McCain's governing philosophy. If you want to read it, click here, but I wouldn't. Nothing new is revealed. Anyone who has followed McCain and his positions and earlier writings would know that he, when asked to name a governing model, would, as the article states, skip "over the suggestions of three names typically associated with the conservative movement - Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush and Barry Goldwater, . . . to settle on Theodore Roosevelt." (Trivia bonus: McCain holds Goldwater's old Senate seat.) At least it's not the other President Roosevelt.
McCain goes on to to say, "I believe less governance is the best
governance, and that government
should not do what the free enterprise and private enterprise and
individual entrepreneurship and the states can do, but I also believe
there is a role for government." Encouraging. He goes on to add,
"Government should take care of those in America who can not take care
of themselves." Few would dispute the sentiment behind this, but the
meaning and application of it varies widely. Let's hope Sen. McCain's
summertime reading includes some old speeches from the man he replaced.

2007-07-24T12:45:00.001-07:00

Welcome to The Edwards Report blog!